"Get Off My Lawn"

            Kids these days…

Back in my day you had to buy shiny discs to listen to music, you had to allow a demon to possess your computer to get on the interwebs, and your game controller had four buttons and a D-pad. Ok, so when I conceived my blog, I can honestly say I didn’t plan on making my second post turn me into Old Man Rivers. But after talking to some younger co-workers and customers (I refuse to call them “guests” when not being paid for my time), I’ve realized that… man, kids these days.

REALLY? THE NINETIES?

           

To be clear, I don’t think the Nineties were better. I had to wait five minutes for my computer to use a phone line to connect to the internet, at which point I could easily get up and use the bathroom or make a snack or successfully invade Poland before pages loaded. Modern technology, then in its angry toddler phase, was expensive, glitchy, and liable to wreck your stuff if left unattended. Musical trends tended towards over-the-top giggly girl pop or groaning against-the-Man grunge. American soccer sucked harder than ever and John Elway battled Brett Favre for the title of best-quarterback-that-prefers-to-throw-to-the-opposing team. If I wanted to learn the news, I had to actually watch the news… when it was scheduled. THE HORROR!

           

But… Batman the Animated Series! The Patriots before Tom “The Douche” Brady! The birth of Pokémon! He didn’t inhale (but she did)! An age in which it was still COOL to say something was COOL. In the Nineties, people didn’t learn the painters of the Renaissance because of history. No, they learned them because Splinter was badass and everyone knew what TMNT stood for. Power Rangers ranged and Darkwing Duck was the terror that flapped in the night. We were saved by the Bell and then slimed. From the primordial ooze of the Nineties emerged Justin Timberlake, downloadable music, George Clooney, Nickelodeon, an entertaining passing game, commonplace 3D graphics, a professional transvestite comedian named Eddie Izzard, and Jon Stewart.

I SAW IT FIRST!

Kids these days though. About a month ago, I was covering a shift as a cashier. This little boy, no older than eight, walks up with his mother. He slaps down a handful of Pokémon cards on the counter and beams up at me. In a good mood, I decided I might try to actually interact with the adorable little munchkin.

           

“So you like Pokémon, huh?” I asked, sparing a grin for his beleaguered parent.

           

The boy then bounded eight feet into the air, spun around, and let out what I’m fairly sure was the fabled shriek of the banshee. “I sure do! Do you know Pokémon?”

           

After recovering from the initial deafening, I nodded, carefully maintaining my casual smile. “Sure do!”

           

“Wow! But you’re so old!” Ok, no. I get you’re like, 2, kid. But no. I am not that ol- BUT WAIT, JOSH! He’s about to back up his thesis with evidence! “Pokémon just came out two years ago.” He holds out two fingers to emphasize his point. The kid is a born debater. He’s drawn me into his trap.

           

*“Actually, I played Pokémon when I was a little kid. I played the first Pokémon game.” I desperately hold onto my grin, feeling age tugging it downwards.

“NO WAY! Do you…” he hesitated, gnawing on his lip as if unsure whether this question might be too personal to thrust upon a stranger. He lowered his voice to what I’m sure he thought was a whisper, “Do you know Charizard?”

            “Sure do. I actually had a Charizard card when I was a little older than you.”

            “WHAT?! CAN I HAVE IT? PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEOKCANIHAVEITNOW?!” Now I don’t want to exaggerate. He probably didn’t leap across the register like some sort of face-hugging Ridley-Scott-generated alien. Probably. And most likely his squeals did not break panes of glass and burst ear drums. Most likely. To be fair, that’s where it gets pretty hazy for me. All I know is, I managed to complete the transaction, and his poor mother tugged him away muttering about Pikachus and Jigglypuffs.

            In the wake of this encounter, I did some research. It turns out that Pokémon came out thirteen years ago in the United States. I vividly remember bugging friends before, during, and after math class in seventh grade for a Wartortle or a Kabutops. But what do kids today think? They’re discovering this series for the first time, which is part of the joy. The same goes for Batman, the Star Wars prequels, and no doubt the new X-men and Spiderman franchises soon to be needlessly rebooted. This is their first exposure, and they’ll own these iterations just as surely as children of the Nineties own that slice of culture to this day. Was it better? No, but it was ours. And kids these days don’t respect it or worse: they aren’t even aware it exists.

WHAT ABOUT...?

            For months, I ran a guild in World of Warcraft. Most of the members were mature people my age or older, but we did allow a couple minors. Oftentimes, out of morbid curiosity, we twenty-somethings would prod these chilluns with questions about touchstones of our adolescent lives.

            “Do you remember Gargoyles?”

            “Like on buildings?”

            “Ok, how about the Batman nipple suit?”

            “What?! NIPPLES?”

            “Hmm, ok well what are your thoughts on the Spice Girls? N’SYNC? The Outcasts? DO YOU KNOW WHO BONO IS?”

            “Who? Is that last one some kind of cartoon dog?”

            Jean Luc Picard, Dragonball Z, Mr. Feeny, and the glory days of Disney have all been lost on the current generation. Sure, there are those dedicated parents determined to give their children a proper education in life before Phineas and Ferb and Bakugan. (If you have no idea what those things are, you’re not alone, and you aren't missing much.)

We liked Nerf back when it was awkward and REALLY neon. We used something called VHS and we had to be kind, and dammit, we had to rewind. Our Legos never came with those newfangled pieces. Early on we even used floppy disks and our music came on something called audio tapes that had two sides! Our family vehicles did not come standard with children-silencing media devices built in. We pre-tested those standards of learning for you. And when we wanted to talk to our friends we had to call them. From a phone. Attached to a cord. On the wall.

Were the Nineties the best? Probably not, but they were pretty damn awesome, and they made us who we were. Kids these days just don’t understand.