How Not to Be a Crappy Customer

I have worked retail in one manner or another for much of my employable life. I started out as a stock boy and spent most of my time freezing back in a cooler stocking awful beer and sticky soda. The rest was spent cleaning up after the muddiest bunch of rednecks you will encounter this side of an actual mud farm. Since then, I moved onto the register, first at that small gas station/deli and later at a major corporate retailer famous for red shirts, khakis, and really annoying commercials. These days, I’m putting my expensive Masters Degree in Commerce towards pointing a price gun at poorly placed labels and counting SKUs. So, yeah, I have some experience in retail. Or at least, I have enough experience to know the primary maxim of retail.

People suck.

When a normal person enters a retail store, he or she suddenly attains the kind of entitlement one typically expects out of royalty...or perhaps a thrice-wounded war hero who single-handedly punched a nuke back into space and saved a whole orphanage of future presidents.

Allow me to spell this out once and only once: the retail employee – at ANY level – is not your slave. It is not their job to do your bidding, and if you don’t like that, then I hear online shopping is getting a whole lot more popular. What’s more, computers ARE your slaves. For now.

You don't want to know what he's thinking behind that
friendly smile. You really don't.

It’s really a simple concept, taught way back when you were very small. You know that whole “do unto others as you would have done unto you” cheesy line? It’s pretty applicable in this situation. Common decency goes a long way. Someone who approaches me, says “Excuse me” in a polite and mild tone, and then asks me if I could help them is someone I’m much more inclined to go the extra mile for. This in turn gives them a better impression of me, which further improves my day. Do you see the cycle of positive karma? It’s a regular damn kumbaya circle.

Really, that’s all you need to know to get good help from a competent employee. Now yes, sometimes you will run into retail employees who are just awful people and incompetent to the core. It happens. Sometimes stupid people get jobs they don’t deserve (See Elections, 2000 and Elections, 2004 or any election in the history of them). In this case, my advice is to always, always give the benefit of the doubt first. Sometimes if you just show some genuine kindness and patience, it can go a long way towards making the inner wunderkind creep out from the cold, dark shell of dumbass.

Of course, in order not to be a crappy customer, my ideal would be that everyone works either in food service or retail at some point in their early adulthood. Alas, this is probably impossible – even counting the high turnover rate of American service-level jobs. Jonny Congressmanson is very likely never going to get a job that requires him to wear a matching uniform with a nametag. That’s the way life is. For the rest of us, I offer a few little points that can set you on the path to becoming the customer I want to help.

• Don’t ever tell me how to do my job. I work here. If you have helpful suggestions or a few little requests (such as bagging that toy with that gift bag – they’re for the same person) and you ask politely, then by all means – that is a rational request.  Packing a huge carton full of stuff from all over the store, then asking me to unpack it to ring it up and then repack it in the exact same way so the lid fits on top? Ridiculous.

• The back room is a big warehouse mostly full of boxes and equipment for moving those boxes. It does not contain everything you ever wanted that we’re trying to hide from you by keeping it back there. And honestly, if you think about it for a moment, it's really bad business to keep merchandise people might buy back in the back room instead of on the floor where people can, you know, find and buy it. So we generally put everything out there ASAP. Really, this comic says it all. Thank you, makers of Penny Arcade.

Box 1, Car 0.

• If you are buying big pieces of furniture/basketball hoops/etc., do not bring your tiny hybrid. There is a reason trucks, vans, and SUVs exist beyond mollifying your mid-life crisis needs or entertaining your crying children with the built-in DVD player. It is the age-old cart. You put stuff in it to carry it places. That tiny little gas-saver that’s saving the environment – which I am ALL for and I love my tiny car – is worthless when you want me to stuff that giant box in it. Don’t get mad. It’s not my fault you are incapable of grasping basic geometry.

• Don’t argue over cents. If you thought it was $0.69 and it turns out it was $0.99 do not accuse me of trying to cheat you. When you die, your final thought will not be “If only I had 30 more cents, I’d have lived a better life.” Trust me.

This. This is why we hate you.

• Put things back where you found them. I’m sorry, but no, that shirt does not belong in the bread aisle. If put ham and cheese between that balled up pink camisole and tried to eat it – sure, my fiber count would go up – but I doubt it would be very tasty. Please know that when you just walk around and pick up stuff on the mere chance you might, possibly, maybe get it if you can remember how much money you have... well, someone has to put all that crap back. And while, yes, it IS our job, do you know how much easier you could make that job by being a decent, respectful human being?

• Never, ever personally insult an employee. In food service, that’s the fastest way to get a spit sandwich. In retail, it’s the fastest way to learn that we don’t really need your money. We’re here to help you in a service, like a mechanic or a doctor. If you insult your mechanic or your doctor, what do you think is going to happen? Exactly.

Honestly, I realize this post came off as being fairly aggressive, and most people are nice, reasonable people. Usually. But there is always that time when even we current or former retail employees lose our minds and suddenly think we’re Captain Invincible Orphan President Saver. Just remember, if you were in that person’s position, how would you feel?

In the interest of ending on a slightly lighter note, I direct you to one of my favorite sites. Enjoy, and shop well.