Tips and Tricks for Conquering the Road

Remember Driver’s Ed? Some had private lessons. I drove with a horde of classmates from high school, together crushing those feeble cones that dared stand between us and a license (at least that’s how I remember it). Then, of course, I drove all over the county with my napping instructor in the passenger seat. It was slow going, but I attained that shiny laminated card which simultaneously made me competent to steer a machine of destruction and, a few years later, made me legally able to imbibe magical can’t-drive beverages. Surrounded by a big rolling metal shell, I was more powerful than ever before. Driving was freedom, and I was a master of the road.

Until I started driving in Northern Virginia.

You see, Northern Virginians have a special idea of driving. Despite being surrounded by more cars than you’d see rolling off an assembly line in Detroit, Northern Virginians are alone on the road. That pavement is there solely for them, specially made by the state so that Joe Bob NoVA could get from Point A to Point B as fast as possible. I have begun to learn the curious way of the Northern Virginia and the remarkable traffic patterns to be found in the area.

Revving your engine is the key that
unlocks the magical green light.

• The red light is always longer than you think it is. Red lights in NoVA are approximately long enough to park, get out of the car, walk to nearest 7/11, get a Slurpee, and walk back before the light will change. An important corollary to this rule is that yellow lights are a myth propagated by the red/green colorblind.

• Both of those lanes are for you. Really, don’t worry about it! There are two lanes not for two rows of cars, but just so you can weave back and forth or drive right in the middle of the road if you’d like!

• If you don’t lay on your horn at least twice per day, you’ve wasted the money you spent on that sexy hybrid/mini-van hybrid/GIANT SUV. Seriously, we all know what all that APR financing was for. No, not the metal and plastic and fancy built-in GPS. THAT HORN! And you are a sap unless you use it liberally to make known your displeasure with the guy swerving to avoid the fellow who just pulled out of that shopping center without checking first.

Never alert the enemy to your movements.

• Turn signals are for pussies. Surprise the guy behind you by switching lanes without warning. Do it twice for added enjoyment! As a special fun suggestion, always decide to turn into your destination at the last moment; keep up that necessary sense of suspense on the road.

• Always maintain a speed of +/- 10 mph off the speed limit. If the speed limit is 35, you should be going 45 mph or 25 mph. No exceptions.

• Your road is always under construction. Sure, sure, where you want to go is only 5 minutes from your house, and you don’t even have to worry about traffic! That is, until VDoT hears about it and decides to throw thousands – nay, MILLIONS – at your beautiful little route. You’ll thank them for that extra turn lane when it’s finished... you know, after your third grandchild is born.

Try to merge at the last possible moment. It's more fun!

• Rules are for lesser beings. What, you can’t make a U-Turn there? WATCH ME! No right turn on red here? GEE, LOOKS LIKE I MANAGED IT! 11 PM on a Saturday and you’re sitting at a red light? WOOSH! NOT ANYMORE! Coming off the interstate and need to yield? YIELD THIS! There is a fine print on all NoVA traffic signs visitors are unaware of: “This sign does not apply to you.”

• Unless you’re on your cell phone while driving, you’re not doing it right. Text for an extra challenge!

• Your city is built on a grid system, except where it’s not. The wonderful part about living in NoVA is that it’s basically a big grid, with plenty of options for routes in case your favorite is clogged by work-a-day traffic. Oh, but that road actually curves and makes a big U. Oh, and that one’s actually a dead end. No wait, don’t turn th- aaaand now you’re in Fairfax. Good luck, friend. We barely knew ye.

• Every road either has the same name, or every road has five different names. There is no happy standard medium. You will get lost; it is a foregone conclusion. At this time, it is suggested you make more sudden turns. Extra points for each car you cut off.

Don't worry. Your car is too cool to be constrained by the
physics of wintry conditions.

• If it looks like it’s snowing, freak the #$@& out. It’s important to note that it doesn’t actually have to be doing anything more than flurrying for this. All calm drivers will be systematically eliminated. Suggestions for method include driving faster than ever in an attempt to outrun the snow, slowing to 5 mph in the belief that snow is like a T-Rex and won’t see you if you don’t really move, and finally: turning driving into a game of pinball. The car with the most hits wins!

• Stop signs are funny-shaped yield signs. Never, ever, ever come to a full stop. Your car will die if you do. Do you want your car on your conscience? I didn't think so.

• To park there, the authorities will require your license, copies of your lease/deed, birth certificate, passport, first-born child, registration, application, a bribe, and your soul. And may God have mercy on the poor moron who parks in your spot.

With these helpful rules and tips in mind, happy driving!