What You Can Learn from a Rat

So obviously, I’ve been feeling a little writer’s block-y the past two weeks. Sorry. I got some bad news and it totally, completely blocked me. That hasn’t REALLY been fixed, but I feel too darned bad to not update the blog at this point. After all, this was supposed to be something I was going to do at least once a week. To summarize, it’s not my fault! YOU! Put down the fire and the pitchforks! Me no like fire. Unless it's roasting a nice duck, peking style.

Which brings me to today’s entry:

ANYONE CAN COOK

The mentally unstable rodent has a point.

It’s not just the motto of an obese French chef who often appeared as the hallucination of an ambitious CGI rat! It’s just true. I hate, hate, hate the words “I can’t cook.” They don’t make sense. In this age of instant information over the info-tubes, there is no excuse. Nothing is physically stopping a person from cooking. Hold a marshmallow over a fire. VOILA. You cooked a marshmallow. Granted, good cooking recipes generally require something more than

1 stick

1 puffy white ball

1 fire

(Add bugs to taste)

Your stove will never look this clean.

But that doesn’t mean good cooking can’t be simple, fast, and YES: easy. Now, cooking generally does require a small investment in things any modern human in a first world country should own. Pots, pans, a baking dish, a spatula, a whisk, a spoon, a ladle, a cutting board, and at least one decent knife will get you started. If you are too poor to purchase these items or are unsure of the quality required in your cooking implements, I would suggest raiding your local school’s home economics department. If you’re stopped, threaten them with the spatula. (Note:  I am not available for bail requests.)

Ok, you have your cooking implements, and I know you have some questions, such as: How do you know what heat to use? Is it ok to leave that pot on the stove and go play Angry Birds until later? Can I burn butter? Will touching this raw meat give me cancer? How do I tell when the pasta is done? And my favorite: Ew, is that supposed to look like that?

Picard's response to you getting chili
powder in your eyes, you dumbass.

To answer those questions: Read the recipe, no, yes, maybe, 10 minutes before it looks like that, and probably not. But buck up! Not every meal is a success no matter how long you’ve cooked or how well you know your business.  Something I tell people again and again is that cooking is an art, not a science. Now, I know, you’re intimidated by these horrific recipes that look suspiciously like pages torn from your high school chemistry textbook. But worry not! Chili powder isn’t QUITE as damaging as hydrochloric acid if it gets in your eyes. (Note: I am not responsible if you get chili powder in your eyes, you dumbass.)

NO, REALLY, YOU COULD LEARN

Beware.

Still don’t believe you can learn to cook? How about this: before college the most complicated meal I could manage on a steady basis that required any sort of “cooking” was ramen noodles. Ramen noodles is the Megan Fox of cooking. Seductive, ridiculously easy, and lusted after by college students everywhere. Good for you? Not so much. Through a couple friends in college, I quickly learned that cooking was a series of experiments. Spend some time cooking smaller meals for yourself first. Try different flavor combinations! Look up some simple recipes. Bake a potato. Make some spaghetti and add an extra dash of garlic to your sauce. Start small. After I graduated college, I had cooked chicken curry from scratch for fourteen people. And just so you know that not even that went exactly right, I burned the first batch of spices because I initially set the heat on the stove too high. See, you don’t have to be perfect! (Note: I am perfect, though, rest assured.)*

YOU CAN, BUT WHY SHOULD YOU?

Dude’s gotta eat.  Speaking of which, gentlemen and ladies, please see your appropriate hushed parenthesized advice below.

Dudes: (Ladies love it when you cook for them. This is doubly the case if you make the time and effort to learn how to cook her favorite meal and serve it to her on proper plates with silverware laid out properly and a bottle of wine or her favorite drink ready.)

Ladies: (Dudes like to eat. Fry meat; shove it down his gullet. He loves you. Voila.)

CONVINCED? OK, LET’S GET STARTED

This looks way too professional, but you get the idea.

The best attribute of a budding chef is the willingness to try anything once. When I first baked whitefish, I sprinkled salted peanuts over it to give it an extra crunch and didn’t use any other salt. That example is just a way to show that experimentation is the way things get done when you cook. Sometimes recipes will demand you use Worcestershire sauce. Guess what? Soy sauce works fine. Don’t have lime juice? Lemon juice will do fine. Want your meal slightly sweeter? Consider adding brown sugar or cinnamon. Want it spicier? Chili powder, crushed red pepper, or dabs of hot sauce to taste will do the trick.

That’s a lot of words to put you in the mindset of learning to cook, but what steps should you actually take? Well, just remember that cooking is an art and not a science. That said, try not to stray too far from specific recipes in the beginning. The foundations of any recipe generally include the amount of oil and water to use and the proportions of actual food bits (vegetables, fruit, or meat). Also, too much of anything is bad; so just because you like spicy food doesn’t mean pouring the bottle of Tabasco sauce on your omelet is a good idea.

SOME BASICS TO LEAVE YOU WITH

If you are now a convert to the ways of making your own food like your ancestors did back when Burger King wasn’t open down the street from Gurk’s cave, here are some suggestions for simple meals to start with:

Baked Potato

Spaghetti - Follow instructions on the box.

Omelet

Butter is good. More butter is always gooder.

Why these three meals? First, they're cheap. Second, together they cover the three basics of baking, boiling, and frying. Good baked potatoes require preparation beforehand. Spaghetti requires a little oil or salt to taste to keep it from sticking together too much or to the pot. And omelets have that little trick of flipping and closing them. On top of that, all three of these very simple meals offer plenty of opportunities for personalization and experimentation (albeit most of it after the food itself is cooked). After that, I’d suggest trying a stir fry or baked pasta: both are still very easy and offer even more opportunities to craft your own meal.

And you know what the best part of all this is? Once you're done, you get to eat! Mmm, delicious. The other great part about cooking is that learning never stops. My father is over 50 years old and he’s still getting excited about new ways to prepare his favorite dishes or recipes he hasn’t tried yet. On top of these advantages, cooking can be relaxing, rewarding, and will win you friends and influence people.

Now get out there and make something OTHER than a sandwich.

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*Or at least nearly so.