You watched The Social Network, a movie written by prose genius Aaron Sorkin, get nominated for an Oscar. But did you know that yet more possibilities existed to milk the surrounding entertainment industry into Hollywood blockbusters? Inspired by the shamelessness of today's film executives and the desperate need to fill the screens with something other than comic book superheroes, teenage wizards and vampires, and hilarious be-dreadlocked pirates, I offer some suggestions of my own. I mean, how many times can Jerry Bruckheimer kidnap Johnny Depp's family and force him into a wig and bandana? At least twice more you say? Well then...
Without further ado, my pitches for the Movies of Tomorrow:
Angry Birds: The Movie - A young couple (Justin Timberlake, Kristen Wiig) stumble onto the titular birds in their own backyard, but just as they're growing attached to the birds, the evil Pig King steals their eggs, and the couple must erect elaborate siege weapons using the birds as ammo to take down the greedy pigs and win back the unhatched young. Birds rendered in CGI. Pigs filmed using Babe technology. Inexplicably starring Sir Anthony Hopkins as the Pig King. Featuring the voice talents of Tracy Morgan, Seth MacFarlane, and Bonnie Hunt.
Tagline: "This summer, feathers will fly."
Coke - A story spanning the life of John Pemberton - played by Jason Segel in his dramatic and heavily bearded debut, Confederate veteran and druggist with a dream of curing the addiction to morphine many of his comrades fell prone to after the war. This epic drama explores his invention of Coca-Cola as a patent medicine stuffed with cocaine and the way his invention spiraled out of control, ending with the stunning betrayal of his close friend and colleague Asa Griggs Candler (Kevin Spacey), who turned his medicine into a world-spanning sugary coke-filled addiction of its own. Possible sequels include Coca-Cola 2: New Coke, a parable about hubris and the over-bloating of greed and marketing in the 1980s, starring Shia LeBeouf.
Tagline: "Addiction never tasted so good."
Hacked - The story of how one clever douchey hacker (Ashton Kutcher) brings down a video game console's entire online network on a bitter whim, immediately after the console company's home country is rocked by a devastating natural disaster. To make the hacker more sympathetic, a lame romantic subplot featuring Emma Roberts will be shoved into the movie. Due to legal reasons, the studio must insist that any resemblance to real people or events is entirely coincidental. Also starring Ken Watanabe, George Takei, and some other Japanese actors.
Tagline: "Are you ever really safe?"
Twit - Will Ferrell vacillates between over-the-top broad humor and touching vulnerability as a man whose life is turned upside down by his Twitter account. Also featuring the comic talents of Ricky Gervais, Jack Black, Tina Fey, David Sudeikis, and Amy Poehler. Also Jennifer Garner is in it. For some reason. Despite being terribly unfunny. Written and directed by the Farrelly Brothers (Dumb and Dumber, Shallow Hal).
Tagline: "140 characters: just enough to ruin your life."
Pandora Radio - A serious Zodiac type realistic drama in which Jesse Eisenberg, Sam Rockwell, and Natalie Portman have to race to find the one song a killer (Paul Bettany) likes before he eliminates all his hostages one by one. Featuring cameos from Christina Aguilera, Justin Bieber, and Cee Lo Green as shameless, over-hyped sell-outs. Directed by David Fincher (Fight Club, The Social Network).
Tagline: "Music to soothe the savage beast."
The Four Billion Dollar Virgin - Hugh Grant stars as Sir Richard Branson. The movie doesn't really have a plot so much as it follows the lovable cad with the British accent jet around the world and make up new businesses to tie into the Virgin Empire. Will spend most of the movie in a wink-wink, nudge-nudge dry comedic mode before giving the audience tonal whiplash as the maiden voyage of Virgin Galactic (this is a real business) disastrously explodes in orbit. Originally shopped to Stephen Spielberg but eventually directed by Brett Ratner after spending eight years in development hell.
Tagline: "This film has Hugh Grant in it, ladies."
Instant - Jeremy Piven, Kevin Bacon, John Cho, Rainn Wilson, Matthew Broderick, Meryl Streep, Mila Kunis, Eugene Levy, Alec Baldwin, Michael Cera and Andrew Garfield are just some of the names to star in this ensemble film about the rise of the instant messaging industry. It chronicles the battle between AIM, MSN Messenger, and Yahoo Messenger, before ending with the rise of Google. Written by Aaron Sorkin and directed by Martin Scorsese in the wildest collaboration since... ever.
Tagline: "Say goodbye to e-mail."
Citizen Jobs - As Steve Jobs (played by Tom Hanks) lies on his deathbed, the story spins backwards to the beginning of his partnership with Steve Wozniak (Jason Alexander) and traces the path of Apple's founder from the upstart company taking a stand against The Man to Jobs becoming a corrupt and power-hungry Man himself. As the camera pans from his face to his limp hand hanging off the bed like so many metaphors for impotence, he utters his final words: "iSled." What is the iSled, and what is its metaphorical importance to this story? Find out this Holiday season. Also starring Russell Crowe, Julia Roberts and Michelle Williams.
Tagline: "Apple: The Forbidden Fruit."
Some credit goes to Mark Streer for inspiring this post. I decided eight was enough, but it was fun all the same.
This is AMAZING. I think they are going to make most of these any day now. Especially Angry Birds. That tagline takes the cake. Sadly.
ReplyDeleteI hate you.
ReplyDeleteCan I do the score for Coke? That sounds like a great movie.
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